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KKPandaFan
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Name: Mrs.Panda
Birthday: 10/23/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: I like to Draw a lot of both manga and Anime. Reading is like a hobbie but it's better than nothing. The only sport I like to do is swim and sleep j/k if only it was a sport!*daydreaming*I like photography now and so I take lots of pictures!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  KKPandaFan
Yahoo:  TifalockheartFF7
Member Since:
7/30/2004
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| I'm starting to worry about myself and my mind thinking to much about getting thinner. I must still be losing weight because today I had to use the second notch on my watch instead of the third I always use. No one has told me I look too thin except for maybe Brooke because compared to her...yeah, I am. Seems like lately it's all I think about and I don't even know what else to think about.
The future has begun to worry me and I don't think I should be thinking about it. Lara said I should be living in the present but she is not a Christian and I feel like I was always taught to look at the long term goals more then the short term instant gratification things. Sometimes things like that confuse me so much...some people say this and others say that and I am just in the middle wondering if I ever get a say in the matter at all. If I had my say I would think about the future all I want and start planning what my wedding dress will look like. Sure, maybe that is too much but I want to be a fashion designer and drawing fashion is what makes me happy, so why not?
I don't know if anyone has ever told me to do what makes me happy, besides Joe. That really disappoints me because you'd think that your family would love you and want you happy...But mom never tells me to do what makes me happy. Heck, she never tells me she loves me that much either, I guess I'm just suppose to infer these things like some mind reader. I bet it would really help if I could read her mind because we always seem incapable of communicating. Lately, it has been especially difficult because I get angry all the time at her. I think I may have figured out why and it was because I hadn't been eating that much. I had no idea that my food intake would affect my mood so much. I've decided to eat more and not worry about dieting, which I wasn't really in the first place but now I think maybe I was and I was just in denial.Sometimes I keep things from myself so that I won't do something really stupid and tell people I'm on a diet...they'd think I was crazy at 113lbs. I realize I'd think I was crazy too, I do and maybe I am.
Why is it that no one can be straightforward anymore? I know why I can't and thats because my honesty always comes out so rudely but should I lie instead to be polite? Life is confusing that way too. People tell you not to lie and then they lie in the next 5 seconds...I want my mom to be more straightforward and voice her opinion but she never fully does. Maybe she thinks I'll get mad at her like dad use to a lot but I get mad at her for the complete opposite for not telling me how she really feels. I think I would feel a whole lot better if she would just tell me what she thinks of me a little more. I can't stand not hearing anything good come out of her mouth and only negative things because she obviously thinks thats more "normal", whatever that is. I guess what I really want is for her to tell me that I am a good daughter and that I am responsible. That I'm smart and a good listener and wonderful at art and singing and playing my viola. I want her to tell me how I'm beautiful and how she is really blessed to have me as her daughter. Fat chance though.
Instead all I hear is horrible things, that I'm irresponsible, I have a bad attitude, I don't know how to communicate, and I might as well give up on my dreams and become a pharmacists because thats the only way I'm going to get money and make it in this world. I hear how I should shape up and fix things and try to be nicer to my mom and how I haven't been doing such a great job. I hear anger in others voices in when they say how ridiculous I'm being about being depressed and crying all the time and how I think it's all her.
Also how I should stop blaming others because it's obviously my fault this time. That hurts the most, when I'm being told it's my "fault"...I hate that word. I can never quite figure out if it's mine or not. People tell me my parents divorce wasn't my fault...which I still think I was a part of it. Then they tell me the way I am feeling is my fault and there is no helping me unless I help myself and then I'm back to where I started. I've always ALWAYS tried to help myself...the thing is I can't and no one seems to get it yet. Maybe because I never asked before I'm not allowed to now. No one is use to helping me and thats a handicap to them. They don't know how, just like I don't know how. Yet I try harder then them like I always have...and somehow, maybe tomorrow I'll just go back to helping myself and no one will have to worry about me. I don't like to worry others and be irresponsible because I want everyone to be happy, even if I'm not. I'm just starting to really wonder if anyone, besides Joe, is ever going to wonder if I'm happy. If they're ever going to realize I need help and that I can't do it alone anymore and I'm trying to reach out. I guess some people are just so dense you could never reach them if you dangled the warning signs right in front of their noses. In America we only ever realize a situation when it becomes an emergency and I think that has got to be the dumbest thing Americans do besides causing wars. (j/k kinda)
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| It's amazing how the deeper you get into a subject you get obsessed with it. We all know that I have been obsessed with health and exercise for the last 3 months. You think it would work, right? It hasn't, I'm stuck..at 115lbs. Most would say to stick with it and try to maintain it. The problem is my goal weight is lower and I'm striving to get there...I don't easily give up.
The facts are; I know that I can't get lower without cutting down. Problem is I don't think I am capable of doing it the healthy way. It has also become harder and harder to stop because the problem isn't the obsession but what has caused it. It hasn't gotten better over time as I had been hoping; oh no, it has gotten worse. My mother, "the problem", never gets better. You want to hear how? Recently she has been talking about her dieting and that she needs to lose more weight before we going to California. Sure, you think tons of people say things like that, right? Problem, shes only 2 freakin' pounds heavier then me!!! What does that mean about me? Am I fat too? makes me question it....a lot. To add to that she has been getting moodier and moodier, with like an angry tone of voice all the time. She refuses to leave me alone too because she is only ever happy if everyone around her (preferable me) are miserable. This is a growing problem because whenever she gets mad I leave, sensible, right? Not exactly, because my getting away from her is exercising. So I am further exerting myself and not refueling because I'm worried about eating too much. Crazy, right? You'd think so, but this is my daily life now-a-days.
So now I am reading up on anorexia and how to treat it. The second problem, from what I know the only way to treat it is with professional help. I don't want professional help...I've gone through all that and trust me I wasn't cured or healed as they may have hoped. I feel like such a lier but that is what I am this whole time, this figment of perfection, all an act. Yes, when I am with friends and family thats me, I'm not trying to be perfect for them. But in school...it's a huge living breathing lie. Thats why no one sees...but how can I ask for help? It's so obvious I have everything, right? I can't even try to ask because who would believe that I've so cleverly masked every pain, every problem, and every obsession into a lie? But here I am on the verge of becoming anorexic and I don't know if I can stop the vicious cycle. All the other vicious cycles I've never fully succeed at ending...and now this one, life threatening....but undetectable. Help?....please.
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| The most important thing to being healthy is eating healthy? Dur...right? But the problem with most people is that they aren't focused on being healthy, they are focused on being skinny. Right? Dur. So... I'm here to talk about what should be important.
Healthy...we all have heard it and we all imagine someone who is in shape and eats right, right? Then I ask you this why can't we be one of those people? I've heard all the excuses that I can tolerate...like there is no time to exercise or the health food is too expensive. I think those are two very good reasons why most Americans aren't healthy but the thing is if being healthy was EASY than we all would be, right? But it's not and in America it may never be, the thing is don't let that discourage you from pursuing health, your body will thank you!
First thing, throw out all the excuses. Secondly, look at the positive of being healthy and focus your aim on being healthy NOT being skinny. Such as; not having large medical bills for being unhealthy, having more energy to live life, and being happy with yourself, to name a few. Thirdly, be prepared to learn! If you want to become healthy then you are going to have to learn the do's and dont's of eating. If you don't know what is good or bad for you then how will you ever be healthy??? Think about it.
Lastly, I do not have all the answers to health, sorry I am not a doctor. It is your turn to read up on health and I recommend these books:
- "The Fit or Fat Woman" by Covert Bailey & Lea Bishop (Do not be fooled by the name it has many good information that I found rather interesting, I highly recommend it!)
- "What Should I Eat?: A complete guide to the new food pyramid" by Tershia d' Elgin (Some of the portions are a bit unclear to me but the basics of being healthy are covered)
- "Sports Nutrition Guide Book" by Nancy Clark (Didn't finish it entirely but it had funny pictures...I didn't really like it because I don't follow food plans. I make my own up.)
- "Nutrition Handbook" by Dr.Bernard Jensen (Currently reading this and want to burn some of the pages because the ideas are near impossible in this day and age....only thing good so far is it has recipes)
Continue to read up on it because the only way to be in the know is to learn it! From research, someone else, or testing it out yourself....there are probably more ways but I can't think of any other. My source of research are books because unlike the internet they are far more reliable in what the facts are! I leave you with this last message, learning should not only be done in a classroom but in the comfort of your own home and beyond! Keep learning! You'll live life better and help others aswell with the knowledge you obtain. Hope I encouraged someone out there to become healthy. 
Amazon.com is a great way to look for book reviews before you waste your time reading a book!
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| Helpful Words of the Day
“I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day,
I’d rather one should walk with me than merely show the way.
The eyes a better pupil and more wiling than the ear,
Fine counsel is confusing, but…example’s always clear.
And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,
For to see the good in action is what everybody needs.
I can soon learn how to do it if you will let me see it done,
I can watch your hand in action but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true,
But I’d rather get my lesson by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding how you act, and how you live.
Edgar A. Guest” | | |
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$625!!!!!! Too expensive? I think so...but oh so lovely.
$540...getting cheaper
$60...and still cheaper...back bow
$50...cheapest on piperlime...I love them all.
$30...but I'm still looking for something cheaper
$30...I'm STILL looking for some under $30
from Alloy for $16 but they only have white left :'(
